Mayor Outsmarts Phone Ban with "State-of-the-Art" VR; 209 Times Remains Mysteriously Chill
STOCKTON, CA – Stockton Mayor Christina Fugazi has seemingly found a novel and technologically advanced loophole in the City Council's 2013 ban on cell phone usage on the dais: a top-of-the-line Meta VR headset. Previously observed glued to her smartphone during City Council meetings, Mayor Fugazi's habit drew calls for the enforcement of the 2013 ban by residents.
The 209 Times, usually quick to unleash a torrent of scathing commentary and expertly crafted memes about a previous Mayor's screen time, was uncharacteristically silent on Fugazi's increasing phone usage. When finally cornered and asked about this curious lack of commentary, CEO Motecuzoma “Motec” Sanchez offered a response that cleared absolutely nothing up while simultaneously explaining everything.
"Dumbass," snapped Motec. "How the hell she supposed to get my texts if she ain't lookin' at her phone."
The astonishing admission, delivered with Motec's signature blend of casual disdain and profound self-importance, suggests that the Mayor's leap to VR was less about cutting-edge governance and more about upgrading her messaging capabilities. It seems a 2013 ban on mere phones couldn't possibly account for the complexities of a 2025 virtual interface, especially when crucial communications from the 209 Times CEO are on the line.
When questioned about the blatant circumvention of the cell phone ban, Mayor Fugazi offered a compelling defense. "This isn't a phone," she declared, gesturing with a controller still clutched in her hand.
Councilmember Michele Padilla was quick to come to the Mayor's defense, arguing that the Meta VR headset "is a cutting-edge virtual reality system! We're talking about the pinnacle of immersive technology! Are we, as a forward-thinking city, going to shackle ourselves to outdated regulations that don't even account for the metaverse?"
This innovative approach has, predictably, been met with a mix of bewilderment and derision from the public. "She looks like she's trying to catch a Pokémon during the budget review," whispered a bewildered attendee.
Adding another layer of surrealism to the situation, sources within the Mayor's office have revealed her next planned technological integration: a full-body VR haptic suit. The stated purpose? To allow the Mayor to "truly connect with the concerns of her constituents" by virtually feeling tomatoes being hurled at her from disgruntled citizens.
"It's about empathy," explained Councilmember Padilla, nervously adjusting her own VR headset, complete with a big 209 Times sticker placed over the Meta logo. "She wants to experience, on a sensory level, the passion – or perhaps mild projectile aggression – of the people. This state-of-the-art haptic feedback will allow her to feel every virtual splat."
Meanwhile, the 209 Times has remained conspicuously silent on the matter, which observers suggest is a clear sign that Mr. Sanchez's texts are being received with "crystal-clear, immersive fidelity."
Councilmember Mariela Ponce was too immersed in her own VR headset to provide a comment.
Mayor in the Metaverse: Fugazi Swaps Smartphone for VR Headset in Council Meetings
