The Official Top Ten Demands of "Joe" Republic Services striker

1. Unlimited air fresheners. And not those little pine trees. We're talking industrial-grade, hazmat-level odor neutralization. When I come home my wife says I smell like a watered-down tuna fish sandwich served through Andre the Giant's ass.

2. A 10% surcharge for "mystery sludge" bags that burst like a cheap condom! You know, the ones that are suspiciously heavy and leaking something... organic. The ones that make a "squishy" sound. You know that sound, right? That eww sound! That's just nasty, man! You want us to touch it, you pay the premium. All profits go directly to the union's "Hookers and Blow" fund, because what else are you going to do with that kind of money?

3. No more notes on the bins that say, "Thank you, garbage man!" Thanks for what? More work? You want to thank me, put a twenty in the can!

4. Better company snacks. Not those stale crackers. I'm talking artisanal cheese and maybe some kalamata olives on a charcuterie board. Also, company-provided coffee that actually tastes like coffee. Not that vaguely brown liquid they call "coffee" in the breakroom. We need fuel for this lifestyle.

5. We get to keep decent salvage. Like a working 1970's vintage eight-track player, or an unopened bag of chips. We get to keep it! It's a perk! You threw it out! Finders keepers! Because sometimes, just sometimes, there's a silver lining in your garbage.

6. No more damn glitter in the garbage! It gets everywhere. It's like a curse. You pick up one bag, you're sparklin' like a stripper who lost a fight with a craft store!

7. A "no 'surprise' dead fish" policy. You ever open a can and bam! There it is. Just... a fish head. Just... why? Why the fish heads, people?!

8. The option to play whatever music you want in the truck. And I mean whatever. Could be Nelson in truck 42. He's partial to polka. Or that new emo kid who digs on Gregorian chants. Or big bertha. She's a Cher fanatic. Your trash, our soundtrack!

9. Republic Services to fund a "Trash Detective" unit. For finding out who keeps throwing away a whole pizza box with a single, untouched slice still inside. That's just wasteful. What is wrong with you, people?!

10. And we want more respect, you understand?! You think this job is easy?! Go out there! Go smell it! Go touch it! We're the backbone of society! You think you can live without us? You'd be knee-deep in your own filth! We're doing God's work. Or at least, the devil's cleanup crew. And we need to be paid accordingly!

The Top 10 Demands from Stockton's Sanitation Squad