Councilmember Michele Padilla "Solves" Homeless Crisis with McDonald's Coupons – Just in Time for Votes!
In a spectacular display of last-minute civic opportunism, Councilmember Michele Padilla has reportedly "single-handedly" resolved the persistent issue of the Trinity Parkway homeless encampment, just in the nick of time for her upcoming re-election campaign.
According to sources close to the Councilmember, the Trinity Parkway cleanup, which displaced an estimated 35 individuals, was a crucial promise made to voters and, more importantly, a vital photo opportunity before next year's election cycle heats up. "I always said I'd tackle the tough issues," Padilla stated in a recent press conference, her smile radiating enough wattage to power a small city block. "And what's tougher than getting rid of unsightly encampments right before campaign season?"
Indeed, with a stroke of genius (and a few remaining dollars from her Councilmember discretionary slush fund account), Padilla has orchestrated a program that offers each displaced individual a single night's stay at a local Motel 6, coupled with a McDonald's coupon book. "We spared no expense. These coupon books are an absolute steal!" Padilla exclaimed, holding up a booklet with the fervor of a late-night infomercial host. "They can even get one of those new S'mores McFlurries! You can't beat that with a stick!"
When pressed about the meager allocation of funds, Padilla's office released a statement clarifying that "the vast majority of discretionary funds were wisely invested in community engagement events, such as last week's annual BBQ, featuring an abundance of bacon-wrapped hotdogs and slurpees."
Meanwhile, the 35 individuals, many with beloved pets, are now scrambling to find alternative shelter. Local homeless shelters, it turns out, won't accommodating pet dogs or roosters, leaving many of the newly "relocated" with nowhere to turn. "They handed us one of those McDonald's coupon books. You know, like the ones we'd get in our Christmas stockings back in the day. Then told us to pack up and go," one resident of the encampment, who wished to remain anonymous, lamented while clutching a small, frightened Chihuahua and a dollar off coupon for a Quarter Pounder.
“What, do you think I'm some kind of heartless witch? I'm not sending them off empty handed. Hello, their next Big Mac meal deal is on me. Hell, they even have enough to super size it. I think that's pretty generous. Really, they should be thanking me. I guess that's gratitude for you,” said Councilmember Padilla in response to the complaints of the displaced residents.
It was reported that Councilmember Mariela Ponce was seen moving through the trees near the encampment. It happened so fast that nobody could snap a photo to confirm the encounter or ask her to provide a comment.
As the dust settles on Trinity Parkway, and the last of the tents are carted away, Councilmember Padilla can rest easy, knowing she's delivered on her promise. Whether that promise benefits anyone other than her political career remains to be seen.
Padilla's "Motel 6 & McCoupon" Plan Clears Trinity Homeless
